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Posts Tagged ‘mindful’

How to Effectively Cope with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

June 5, 2016 by Diane
Dear Digby,

I am exasperated! I serve on the board for a social club; we had one board member who was constantly creating drama, acting passive-aggressive–she acts agreeable in board meetings but then posts quotes on her Facebook page that are digs (that’s her passive-aggressive side coming out) and then screams at the President that she has issue with every point brought out in the board meeting. Her behavior is like that of a middle schooler yet she’s nearing 60.

Signed,

I left middle school about 35 years ago, how about you?

Dear I Left Middle School,

Interesting, that this woman who serves on the board of a social club, has the social skills of a mosquito.

First, you need to educate her on how to behave like an adult.

The next time she screams at the president, I advise you, and the entire board, to stick your fingers in your ears and chant, “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.”

The woman will do one of three things:
1. Stop mid-sentence and stare at you, slack-jawed.
2. Turn red with embarrassment and forget what she was saying.
3. Pick up her toys, and go home.
If none of your fellow board members are willing to execute this simple solution for an ongoing problem, then I advise the following:

The next time she screams at the president, stare at her for a full five minutes without saying a word. All of you. Her diatribe will hang in the air like thought bubbles in a cartoon.

The woman will do one of three things:
1. Run out of steam.
2. Hear what she’s saying, turn red with embarrassment, and stop talking.
3. Pick up her toys, and go home.
If none of your fellow board members have the fortitude to challenge the woman in a stare-down, then my advice is this:

Unfriend her on Facebook.

Passive-aggressive people are responding from their own hurt. You don’t need to resonate with it. Her opinions are no business of yours. You have better things to do with your time. You have noble pursuits ahead. You are going to make this social club a roaring success!

You can, however, view this woman as an opportunity to practice compassion. Recognize that her behavior is coming from pain, accept it, and observe her actions from a place of non-attachment. With an open heart, watch her mouth moving as if from a great distance.

And then get up, walk over, and smother her in a giant bear hug.

Love your enemies. It pisses ‘em off.

Need advice? Ask Digby! Submit your question via the contact form.
Category Dear Digby | Tags: mindful,passive-aggressive | 12 Comments
When Panic Attacks, Duck! Tips for Surviving the Holidays

December 6, 2015 by Diane

Holidays can be stressful, whether you struggle with anxiety or not. But with a sensitive nervous system, all of the hustle and bustle of the season can be the tipping point that sends you into full-blown panic. Here are my tips on how to survive the holidays, and what to do if panic does attack.

1. Pace yourself

Christmas is a time of giving and receiving. Don’t give all of your energy to buying and wrapping presents, standing in lines, driving from mall to mall, and attending every party you’re invited to attend. All of these activities will zap whatever energy you’ve got if you don’t allow yourself downtime. Here’s where the receiving comes in. Receive the gift of slacking off in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn. Receive the gift of letting other people do some of the shlepping around. Receive the gift of taking a nap, or a long hot bath, or drinking a glass of wine, your feet in slippers, a good book at hand. And forget about perfection. Kick that demon to the curb. Whatever gift you choose, whatever meal you plan, is good enough.

2. Take care

Are you eating well? Exercising? Getting enough sleep? Spending time in nature or in some other sacred space? You’ll need to make an extra effort to take care of yourself when the stress of holidays is upon you. Sweets are plentiful, but limit the sugar, as it feeds anxiety. Ditto for caffeine. Cold weather may keep you indoors, but you can still do some stretching, Tai Chi, Qi Gong, calisthenics, or just dance around the living room in your pjs to release tension. Maintain a sleep schedule, and include a pre-sleep ritual like turning off the tv, cell phone and computer a half hour before you slip under the covers. And try to keep the volume down on the radio. Noise batters the nerves, too.

3. Slow down

Tis’ the season to feel rushed. What’s a body to do? Sloooooooow doooooooown. Make all of your movements slower. Walk, talk, whatever it is you’re doing, do it at a more leisurely pace. This will help to calm your heart, unclench your muscles, and lower your blood pressure.

4. Be mindful

Instead of thinking about all of the tasks ahead of you, bring your attention to the present moment. Focus on what you’re doing, like a camera zooming in for a close-up. Time will seem to expand, and you’ll feel less overwhelmed.

5. Ask for help

Don’t try to cook the whole meal, hang all the decorations, do all the dishes, or anything else involved in setting the scene, all by yourself. If others offer, accept their help. If they don’t, then prod those lazy duffs off the couch and march them into the kitchen. Many hands make for light work. And it’s a lot more fun.

6. If panic attacks, duck

Not under the table, into the fetal position. Duck out—to the bathroom, for some deep breathing. Step outside for some fresh air and a larger perspective. Take a walk, play with the kids. Or just start in on those dishes in the kitchen.

7. Express what you’re feeling

It’s probably not a good idea, as you’re serving the ham, to announce to the room: “I’m having a panic attack.” But you might want to seek out someone you trust and tell them what’s going on. Why? It lets off some of the pressure that anxiety builds up. You don’t have to suffer alone.

8. Talk to somebody who’s sympathetic

Not the family member who’s liable to say: “Snap out of it!” Not the relative who’s uncomfortable with his own emotions, let alone yours. Instead, find someone who understands what you’re going through. It’s a good bet that over half the people gathered together (probably more) deal with anxiety. You only need to find one of those fellow sufferers to talk to. Pull that person aside and say: “I’m feeling anxious right now and can’t seem to shake it.”

9. Distract yourself

Count how many red and green objects are in the room. Juggle the Christmas tree ornaments. Take notes on how your family behaves after a few stiff drinks. You can use the information in your next novel. Find someone who looks more frazzled than you, and do something to make them feel less so. Try not to make it all about you, or your anxiety, even though it feels that way.

10. Be the observer

Observe the action going on around you as if you are the calm, still center of the storm. Observe your panic go up and down in intensity. Observe yourself observing yourself, as if you are standing in the back of a movie theater, watching yourself in the third row, watching your life on the screen.

Remember…this too will pass. The anxiety, the day. And when it does, pat yourself on the back for having survived.

Category Fer Cryin' Out Loud | Tags: anxiety,Christmas,mental health,mindful,Top ten | 6 Comments
This Will Make Your Day

May 17, 2015 by Diane

If you place a call to, oh, say your mobile phone carrier, and the customer service rep asks for your name, and you tell her,

“Diane,”

and she asks,

“May I call you Miss Diane?”

and you say,

“I’d prefer to be called Your Highness,”

and she happily obliges!…

this will make your day.

* * *
When you remember the gray cat you had as a child, the cat who suffered the indignities of wearing your doll clothes and riding around in your toy baby carriage, the cat who bounded out of the baby carriage wearing those same doll clothes to chase an annoying German Shepard up the road…

decades later, this memory will make your day.

* * *
When your parked car, your tiny Toyota Corolla, is hit by a beast of a big rig and tossed onto the curb like a toy, and the driver continues on his merry way without stopping, this will not make your day. But…

When a construction worker wearing clunky boots chases down the big rig, and this construction worker happens to be a photographer, and this photographer happens to take pictures of the guilty party and his driver’s license and insurance certificate, and happens to call the police to file a report, and then sticks his business card on your windshield so that you have all the information you need to recoup a portion of the cost of your now-totaled vehicle, you will be filled with such gratitude for this noble do-gooder (whose car was also hit by the big rig, and shoved twenty feet), it will make your day.

I know, because this just happened to me.

It doesn’t take much to turn a so-so day, a rotten day, a “why did I bother to get up” day into something wonderful. Not much at all.

A shared joke.

A memory.

A good deed.

The important thing is to be aware of these fleeting moments, and soak them in.

So if you’re feeling blue, or you’re spiraling down the anxiety rabbit hole, here’s my prescription: three times a day find something of beauty, or something to laugh about, or something to be grateful for, and soak it in.

That’s it.

Be aware, and soak it in.

And share it with somebody else.

Category Ain't Life Grand | Tags: gratitude,mindful,positive thinking | 10 Comments