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Posts Tagged ‘family’

  1. When Innocence Wore Your Brother’s Baseball Glove

    April 28, 2014 by Diane

    baseball glove

    There was a time when young men went courting. They knocked on the front door carrying a bouquet of flowers, greeted the parents, and waited in the alcove by the coat rack, filling the space with their maleness. They guided the blushing girl out the door with the lightest touch at the small of her back, and then began a series of door openings: the car door, the restaurant door, the door to the movie theater, the door to the Fountain and Grill for a milkshake, back to the car, to the front door, and then — a hover, a wait. Maybe a brush of lips against hers, then the tip of a hat and a jaunty stride to the car, waving over the hood before getting in and driving off.

    Those were the days.

    The days when innocence wore your brother’s baseball glove, your father’s aftershave, your sister’s hairpins, your mother’s face powder. When innocence smoked your uncle’s cigars and played your cousin’s board game.

    Those were the days when families talked over the dinner table instead of the blare of the television, when they gathered by the radio while mom clicked her knitting needles and pop smoked his pipe and the dog wagged his doggy tail.

    Those were the days when the good life meant a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence; a newspaper boy who delivered the news smack onto the front porch; a milkman who delivered a fresh bottle and hauled away the empties. It meant someone was there to tuck you in at night, to leave a light on in the hallway and the door open a crack. It meant falling asleep to the comforting murmur of your parents’ voices, maybe the faint strains of Artie Shaw on the radio.

    Not a bad scene. Not a bad scene at all.

    When did the stars begin to fall through the cracks? When did the stranger on the street become a prowler with bad intentions instead of a Fuller Brush man trying to make a decent living for his wife and kids?

    What happened to those carefree, innocent days?

    Maybe they weren’t so carefree after all. Maybe it’s just a trick of the memory, flickering images from old Hollywood. Maybe it’s a view of the world seen through the lens of my television, which only airs one station, now that the winds have interfered with all the other stations. One station. The one where everyone is perfectly content to Leave it to Beaver.

    I could invest in cable. The land of Suburgatory and The Sopranos.

    But, nah.

    I prefer the version of America before it outgrew mom, apple pie and baseball.


  2. Should We Outlaw In-Laws?

    February 24, 2014 by Diane

    Women's hands are open the cupboard doors, dark wood

    A friend told me, “Whenever my mother-in-law comes to visit, she rearranges the canned goods in the bloody kitchen cabinets. Every time.” Which, according to my friend, is bloody often.

    Strange behavior, but uncommon, don’t you think?

    Think again.

    My mother told me that a neighbor–we’ll call him Sam–had a visit from his cousin-in-law and the man’s wife. Sam picked up the guests at the train station, shocked by how robust they’d become, and invited them to make themselves at home. Not only did the cousin and wife rearrange the cabinets in the kitchen, they changed the shelves in the refrigerator—they raised one and lowered another and shuffled things around and ate copious amounts of food, and when they complained that there weren’t any mixed nuts or Hostess Ding Dongs, Sam drove to the store to buy some. The in-laws didn’t fork over ONE CENT the whole time they mooched and whined and did their rearranging. And finally, finally, when the household had reached its collective limit, the visitors filched the best of what was left in the pantry: the expensive jar of stuffed olives, the homemade blackberry jam, the Perrier, the Belgian chocolates, and from the back of the freezer the top of the wedding cake…“snacks” for their ride home on the train.

    Should we outlaw in-laws?

    Should we write a law stating that if any member of the family stays for an extended period of time, they must live according to the rules of the household, and not according to what their anxiety demands?

    Or should we accept that these people, who we would normally have nothing to do with if it weren’t for some silly marriage vow, should we accept that these in-laws have a clear case of Squirrels in the Doohickey and use it to our advantage?

    For instance…

    I could use a mother-in-law to clean out my bloody desk. I’ve tried scheduling ten minute increments to rearrange the mess, but the mess seems to multiply and morph, and spill over and under, until I can’t find my feet when I’m typing on my laptop. I need a larger desk. Or a mother-in-law.

    I have a friend who could use a mother-in-law to put his paperwork in order. He could greet her at the door, set her purse on top of his filing cabinets, open one of the overstuffed drawers and let her have at it.

    Do you have a mother-in-law who enjoys being highly opinionated at the dinner table? The next time she opens her mouth, say, “Mother dear, I think I stored the tray for the desserts in the garage. Could you poke your head in and see?” If your garage is anything like the garage where I live, you won’t see her for a week!

    As for the cousins, well…you know how sometimes you forget to clean out the fridge, and there’s questionable stuff growing in Tupperware containers that you’re afraid to open because you have visions of The Exorcist swirling around in your head? Invite the cousins. They’ll clean it out.

    Here’s my advice: When the “stuff” you accumulate starts to take over, invite an in-law for a visit.

    Then kick back and let nature take its course.

     


  3. Thinking Distortion # 2: Either/Or Thinking

    December 16, 2013 by Diane

    Distorted thinking

    Here’s the hypothetical…

    It’s Christmas. You’ve spent the last two weeks getting ready for the in-laws and your extended family to descend upon the house. Your husband wrestled the wooden sleigh-and-reindeer display from the garage and your son peeled himself from the couch long enough to nail a wreath to the front door, then you all drove to Santa’s Tree Lot and spent an hour bickering over which tree to buy. You made four trips to the mall to buy gifts and wrapping paper and tape and ribbon and bows, and you stocked up on eggnog and booze and sparkling cider. You bought a ham and sweet potatoes and green beans and Cream of Mushroom Soup for that goopy casserole that Uncle Joe loves, even though Uncle Joe is a pain in the…

    Hold on.

    That’s jumping ahead in the list of thinking distortions, to number seven: Name-calling.

    Let’s stick to one distortion at a time.

    You set the table with the best silver and linen napkins, and by God this day better be perfect, you tell yourself, because last year was awful; you all had colds and stayed home in bed, fuming. So nothing better go wrong!

    But things do.

    Uncle Joe is late. As usual. So you keep everything snug in the oven, thinking it’s on warm, but it’s on high because one of your cousin’s kids fiddled with the knobs, and soon the ham and that goopy casserole are smoking up the house. You grab the potholders and pull the burnt ham from the oven and it falls on the floor and shoots across the waxed linoleum and the day is ruined. RUINED! You should have never taken this on, you’re a failure and everyone knows it.

    That’s Either/Or thinking. Believing that situations are either wonderful or a complete disaster. That you’re either perfect or a waste of human skin.

    Look at it this way…

    That black mound that your Uncle Joe is now kicking around the floor…it’s a crispy dead pig, not the ruination of your life.

    Order a pizza.

    It’ll probably be your best Christmas ever.

    But let’s say you’re not hosting a shindig. You live alone. You don’t have the money to fly clear across the country to see your family, or send gifts. You’re spending Christmas night alone at Denny’s eating over-salted slices of turkey and watery mashed potatoes pooled in gravy because you have a free coupon. It’s grim. It’s awful. Christmas is just an overblown retail holiday, you mutter. Bah humbug. You feel like a failure because you can’t even afford a cheap tie for your father.

    You’re not a failure. You’re short on funds. At the moment. Set it aside for now. Smile at the waitress, who’s spending her Christmas serving a grump.

    And come July, when you have extra cash in your pocket and you spy that Zen-like miniature golf game in the bookstore where you’re browsing and you think of your dad, who loves miniature golf, and this game is really miniature—the clubs only two inches high—and you picture him sitting at his desk teeing off…buy it. Send it along with a note.

    Merry Christmas!

    Thinking of you.

    With love,

    Santa

    It’ll be his best Christmas ever.