Dear Dr. Lu,
Every six months, after you poke at my gums and scrape and buff my teeth, I entertain the thought of finding another dentist. Not because you recline the chair to such depths that my head is in China, or because you mutter just loud enough for me to hear, “That tooth has twisted even more! It’s ninety degrees now!” The reason, Dr. Lu, is because if we were in a contest to determine who is the greater hypochondriac, you would win.
I’m reluctant to walk into your lobby where the photos of perfect veneer teeth lining your walls mock me, where the samples of bacon-flavored toothpaste tempt child carnivores. I am reluctant to commit myself to your bright light and sharp implements as you feverishly hunt for something wrong. I am reluctant to be motored upside-down, although the thirty minutes of traction, paid for by my insurance company, is a bonus. I am slightly more reluctant to hear your warnings:
“If you don’t get a mouth guard, you will grind your teeth down to the nerve!”
Yes, Dr. Lu, I have heard your alarms. I have suffered your exclamation points. I am aware that if my teeth crack from the pressure, you might not be able to FIX them, a horror I refuse to contemplate—not because my teeth may be splintered, but because you would be the one I would be reaching out to in the middle of the night, a hypochondriac dentist from Hell. I am cognizant that a mouth guard will save my teeth, which is why I agreed to purchase the device.
“Fine. I’ll get it.”
“Think about it,” you said, practically purring with delight.
“I’ll get it.”
“Let me know, after you’ve thought about it.”
“I said I’ll get the mouth guard!”
“It’s five hundred dollars, you know.”
As if I needed that parting shot. As if I needed to be reminded: well, there goes the retirement nest egg.
No, Dr. Lu, it isn’t the capitulation on my part to spend my last dollar on this robber-of-sleep that compels me to once again rethink dentists.
It’s the hour-long torture I had to endure to make the mold for this five hundred dollar chunk of plastic. It’s the accusation that I moved my head when you held me hostage in the chair with that cold goop pressed between my clenched teeth. It was not I who moved, Dr. Lu. It was you. You, who held the goop in place. Yes, you—reaching for something the minute my teeth clamped down. “Don’t bite me!” you shrieked, and, “Hold still!” And then you reached, jerking my head which I tried desperately to immobilize. Oh, the glare you shot me after prying my jaw open and examining the smeared glob. “We have to do it again!”
Five times, Dr. Lu. Five times you shoved that goop in my mouth. And every time, you moved.
“I can’t make any more!” you wailed. “We’ve made fifteen!”
Five. It was five.
“I’m sure it’’ll be fine,” I told you, pulling from my Buddha-like self the calm that you lacked.
But it didn’t end there, did it, Dr. Lu?
When I returned for the final fitting of the completed mouth guard, the suction was so tight you had to brace your diminutive foot against the upside-down chair to pry it off. “That’s a good fit!” you said, your face aglow, as I had visions of calling 911 in the morning to get free of the thing, or roadside assistance, or someone with a crowbar.
Yes, Dr. Lu, I have entertained the thought of switching dentists many, many times over the past ten years, dragging myself to your office, wondering why I am the only one coming and going. Did you display the bacon toothpaste, which now collects dust on your shelf, to lure a new generation of patients?
Oh, I’ve tried to find a new dentist. I’ve searched Yelp, reading the reviews. But the only dentist available on my back-alley insurance plan is a man reportedly terrified of blood.
So you may rest assured, Dr. Lu, I will continue to bare my teeth for you alone. Because a hypochondriac dentist seems like a much better bargain than a dentist who might blanche and keel over, leaving me with a drill spinning madly in my mouth.
I’m sorrow to hear of your woes at the (not very stable) hands of your dentist. Bacon toothpaste is mighty tempting, though. I’ll bet that brings the patients flooding in.
Or it sends them scurrying away.
Oh my…I don’t like dr Lu! I loved my dentist but he recently retired. The new guy is a jerk. Going to the dentist is bad enough without it being dr Lu or dr jerk!!! Did your mouth guard turn out ok at least? Another funny piece! Had me laughing all the way through. I like this new style!!!
The mouth guard takes some getting used to. I gnaw on it.
My dentist is an OK dentist, but I have to remind him EVERY time that I’m allergic to latex. Then he takes off his latex gloves and complains that the vinyl ones make his hands “feel weird”. EVERY TIME.
It would take him one minute to write on your chart: allergic to latex. Of course, then he’d have to READ your chart, and that might be asking too much. After all, the poor fellow is only getting…what, a hundred, two hundred bucks an hour? Sheesh.
I don’t have these antique 20th century problems. I went to Google and got my naturals replaced with smart teeth. They’re great except when GPS is temporarily unavailable. Then my incisors flock to the back and my molars crowd in the front. It looks weird until they get their bearings again. It only lasts a few minutes and is easily cured by moving my head in a ‘figure 8.”
Or you can always go to the “genius bar” to get straightened out. Oh wait, that’s Apple. What are the Google fixer-uppers called?