My ex, half-jokingly, suggested that I write up a one-page affidavit for potential suitors to sign. This sounded like a brilliant idea. So I drew one up.
I, _____________ (potential suitor) upon oath state:
1. When I take you to dinner, I promise not to label you persnickety when you interrogate the waiter about dishes that are gluten-free, dairy-free, meat-free, and caffeine-free.
2. If I wear stinky cologne, you are allowed to gag.
3. If my radio plays anything other than jazz, you have permission to reprogram it.
4. If I do not appreciate your wry sense of humor, I promise not to laugh in a fake way.
5. I have been advised that more than a quarter inch of wine will make you loopy. I will pour accordingly.
6. I agree not to talk to you when you are reading, although cuddling is allowed.
7. Ditto when you are meditating, except for the cuddling part.
8. If I wear button-down shirts and never roll up the cuffs, you are allowed to raise one eyebrow.
9. I will not label you a hypochondriac when you use hand-wipes after touching door knobs.
10. Whenever we disagree, I promise to say: “You’re right, I’m wrong, I’ll never do it again.”
11. When the temperature drops below forty degrees and your fingers turn blue and white, I will not be horrified by their wax-bean appearance. I will stand patiently by as you whirl your arms around like an airplane propeller to force the blood back into your digits.
12. Ditto with your toes.
To be fair, I also drew up an affidavit that I would sign.
I, _____________ (your ideal date) upon oath state:
1. If you say something genuinely funny, I will laugh so hard that I might stream tears. Do not be alarmed. I am amused, not hysterical.
2. If you engage me in intellectually stimulating conversation, and you are smarter than me but not too much smarter, and you don’t have a know-it-all complex, I will look upon you with utmost respect.
3. If you think I am attractive and sexy and you tell me so often, or at least beam it from your eyes while leaning toward me, I will believe everything you say. I might even straighten out your sock drawer.
4, I am content to stroll along the beach, share a picnic dinner and watch the sun set and call it a perfect date. If the date also includes time to read, I will look upon you as a God.
5. I will always tell you the truth. At least the truth as I believe it to be.
#2 Any cologne or perfume makes me gag. People who use too much should be shot on smell.
#6 That’s my biggest pet peeve. Having to restart a paragraph over and over will be the cause of blood to spill. Probably mine from banging my head through a wall.
#7 Ditto as well. I need A LOT of quiet time in my life.
I love this list, everyone should make one!
Shot on smell. I wonder if it would hold up in court.
good! funny! i will read all your archive materials. there’s yer book lass! ye dinna need any moor fer it. i will buy it. mark
Yay! One customer for my book.
I know you have “comments off” for “When Innocence Wore Your Brother’s Baseball Glove” so this is technically cheating but I had to say one thing: Please submit that to a literary or poetry magazine. It is beautiful!
Ack, I didn’t intend to have “comments off.” Thanks for pointing it out! And cheating. And thanks for the kind words. I’ll look into submitting it.