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Top Ten Tips for Burglars Who Bungle and Robbers Who Run

May 26, 2014 by Diane

Captured danger prisoner in cartoon style for justice design

There have been a rash of burglaries in the town where I live. Last week, the police captured the man who was responsible. According to the newspaper, at five-thirty in the morning an alert senior citizen phoned the police about a suspicious-looking character prowling around the neighborhood. Turns out, this suspicious-looking character had just looted a house while the owner snoozed. The police had no trouble tracking down the thief; he was hiding, with the loot, in a port-a-potty.

How unfortunate.

Here are my top ten tips for those who thieve:

1. Don’t hide in a port-a-potty. If arrested, you’ll be forever branded as The Port-a-Potty Prowler.

2. When hitting multiple homes over several weeks, don’t cart all of the evidence around in your car. Especially if you have a busted taillight. If you get pulled over, you’ll be the one who’s busted.

3. If your workday begins at five A.M., don’t hit a neighborhood that has a senior citizen. The old fart will be awake.

4. If you’ve never set foot in the neighborhood where you’re prowling, you’ll look suspicious. Especially if you’re wearing one of those little black Halloween eye masks. Better to rob a house where you look familiar. Like your own.

5. Don’t sell stolen loot on your front lawn and call it a garage sale.

6. When robbing a bank, make sure you have a getaway car, not a bicycle.

7. Ditto for sneakers. I don’t care how fast you run.

8. After robbing a bank, don’t wait in the lobby for your mother to come pick you up.

9. When robbing a store, make sure you know the difference between “drive” and “reverse.” Many a robber has backed through a plate glass window trying to escape.

10. Quit the burglary racket and use your thieving skills to find gainful employment instead. Become a politician. Or a car salesperson. Or a lawyer.

And here’s a bonus tip:

11. Send a woman to do the burgling. I’ve never heard of a female burglar. Bank robber, yes. But not a burglar. Either women never get caught, or we just haven’t broken through that particular glass ceiling.


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  1. Joan merdinger says:

    Such a clever look at a real problem! I take it this really happened. We had a break in on our court as well. Broke in while the people were asleep. Really scary but…it would have helped if the family had not left their garage door open…..

    • Diane says:

      Yeah, they get in through open garage doors. Or they knock on the door to see if someone is home, and if not, they look for an open window to enter. Observant neighbors really help!

  2. Charli Mills says:

    Women would rather shop than rob. 🙂

  3. We used to have a neighbor here on the beach. He was a computer programmer with a nice house and pretty wife. All was okay with his world until he tried The Crack.

    Within one year his house was empty and he’d robbed just about all of his old neighbors. Mostly he stole people’s computers and laptops, which was a really dickhead-y crime because the stuff on them was invaluable to the owner and he got, maybe, $20 bucks from the pawnshop.

    Thing is, he knew he was going to get caught, sometimes within hours but, best we can figure it, he didn’t care as long as he could get… that… one… last… hit.

    My guess is that most common criminals are junkies and addicts.

    • Diane says:

      From computer programmer to crackhead. I’m sure there’s a story in there somewhere. And with access to all those computers at work he could steal, you’d think he’d lay off the neighbors’!

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